I am having severe imposter syndrome right now.
I mean, what if I’m not good enough for a PhD?
I keep feeling like I should live and breathe academia, but the truth is, I don’t. I love so many things; academia is just one aspect of my life. But what if that’s wrong? What if I should be more passionate? Should I be reading research papers every day? Should I be annotating original texts with thoughts and ideas?
(I kind of do that anyway, but still.)
I’m going into my Master’s degree not knowing what to specialise in. I think it might be medieval literature, but what if it’s not? What if it turns out to be language, or history, or an interdisciplinary mix that makes no sense to anyone but me?
I can’t even read Latin, let alone any other medieval language. I was never offered it during my undergraduate degree and I can’t help but wonder if that will hold me back. I don’t want to be held back. Damn it, I want that PhD. I want to get a 70+ for every single Master’s assessment. I want to ace my classes, be passionate about my medieval loves.
And I want to do my PhD at Oxford or Cambridge. Both have amazing PhD provision, and I know I can do it.
But I’m so worried that my undergraduate degree result will hinder that. It’s been a stressful, personally disastrous three years and I came out with a degree classification that most Master’s programmes wouldn’t even look at.
(Yes, I have a degree, and I recognise that I’m lucky. But I’m still frustrated as fuck.)
I honestly don’t know what the next year has in store for me, but I am not going to let it be horrific. I am going to succeed and be brilliant, just like I know I can be.
Because I bloody well deserve it.