I thought this apathy regarding university was down to depression. I thought once I got out of my funk that I’d feel so much better about learning and writing.
Now I’m not so sure.
The thing is, I really want to go into publishing. I have a bookish blog, a bookish youtube channel where I write reviews. I’m active on social media. But I’m very aware that in order to get into publishing you need at the very least a degree. And I’m not enjoying writing these essays. I want to learn – I love learning – but I have no enthusiasm nor motivation to write the essays that would get me a good degree mark.
Do I sound petty, childish? Maybe. After all, I know that in order to get the things we want we have to do things we don’t. But trying to write essays when I don’t care about them… it’s difficult. I suppose what’s really lingering in my mind is the question, what’s the point?
And of course I know what the point is. Of course I do. It’s just motivating myself to get to that point that’s the problem. And I can’t help but wonder, what if I left university and worked on my channel and blog and getting a publishing internship? What then?
Sort of suicide, I know. Leaving my degree would probably be the most idiotic decision ever.
Still, I wonder. I just hope I can get to the end of this year without breaking down.